Football variety: off-week edition

Posted in SPORTS to Football Variety Show by Kelly James Shirley on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 10:00 am

MMA

Brock Lesnar will return to the sport, and he will do it this year. This is big news consider last November the UFC Heavyweight champion was questioning not only if he would return but if he could beat his ailment. You see, Lesnar was suffering from diverticulitis. Basically it's a bacterial infection in your intestines that kills your immune system and just sends your body on the fritz. The champ at one point in the sickness lost 40 pounds in the stretch of 2 weeks and spent an 11 day stretch in a hospital in Bismarck, N.D.

So what's next for the champ? It has already been said that he will face the winner of the Frank Mir/ Shane Carwin fight on the 27th of March. Lesnar and Mir would be a decent match, with Carwin being the up-and-comer but Lesnar fighting Mir would be where the money is at. Lesnar's last match was in July of last year at UFC 100 against Mir, where he won in the second round. Mir won their first meeting some two years ago in a controversial win and Lesnar's only loss to date. They have both stated they want to meet for the third time.

Announced this week is that UFC 112 will take place April 10th in Abu Dhabi, and it will be outside. On top of that it will feature TWO title defenses. Anderson Silva will defend his title against Vitor Belfort and BJ Penn will defend his against Frankie Edgar. Also Illinois native Matt Hughes will take on a 43 year old Renzo Gracie. This show will easily be one of the biggest nights for UFC history.

OLYMPICS

So Tequila (the liquor, not the bisexual Asian) and I were channel surfing Saturday night and came across the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. What caught our attention was this beautiful girl that was warming up. It took me 30+ minutes of watching to find out her name but it was totally worth it. Sasha Cohen was this angel's name. What's even cooler is that this is her first competition in four years. I picture her sitting at home drinking a Heineken (an angel's beer of choice) and she spots a commercial for the Olympics. She grabs her skates, rushes out the door, and arrives at the arena in time to say "I got next." She was second going into the long performance but due to some missteps (see: falling on her ass) she finished in sixth. The overall winner was Rachel Flatt who is maybe a 5 (ten scale) on a good day. She and the second place Nagasu (a weak 7) punched their tickets to Vancouver.

Here's another one of my genius ideas to help a sport. Any competitor under 18 should have to wear some sort of identifiable marking, or maybe just a full outfit. 15 and 16 year olds do not need to be on national television wearing a skin colored one piece; the court already has enough evidence against me. Also, make the scoring system something everyone can understand. The announcers at points were not even sure how the routines were judged.

WILL HE OR WON'T HE?

Favre has reportedly told ESPN that it is "highly unlikely" that he will be back. What? Favre is not being clear about his intentions on retiring? STOP THE EARTH (pic at right filched from here). For once I want to believe him, and actually would had his last pass not been an interception that (arguably) cost his team a spot in the Super Bowl. Had the game ended any other way I would say that he is going to retire. As it stands, I think there is a 50% chance he will be back. On top of that, he had his best season of his career and has a year left on his purple contract. Why would he not come back?

SUPER BOWL

An important thing to remember is that the Vikings outgained the Saints by 200 yards and still lost the game. Brees has let to commit a turnover in the postseason and on top of that, the Saints defense had free rein when it came to getting to Favre. They may play it different when it comes to the Colts. Expect them to not blitz much but instead pull their men back into coverage and make Manning throw precise throws or just run the ball.

On the other hand, Manning just tore the number one defense in the league a new asshole. The Jets hadn't allowed a 320 yard passer all season, Manning threw for 377, and hadn't allowed a 420 yard day all season: Colts had 461.

My early judgment is that this game is going to be all offense. The opening line is the Colts by 4, and I'm going to go with that. Check in next week for more coverage.

NFL SNIPPETS

Something needs to be done about the overtime rule. To much was on the line Sunday night for the flip of a coin to decide. Do you disagree? Since 1978 only seven teams that won the coinflip have gone on to play defense.

The Jets are going to be a force next season. They already have a perfect defense, Sanchez will have the spring/summer to get better and if Shonn Greene gets healthy then they have a huge threat at runningback.

It looks like Tim Tebow is having some issues. Reportedly during the senior game practice he has been fumbling a decent number of snaps. Add this to his weird throwing motion that brings his arm awful low and the fact that a numerous amount of his college snaps were also taken from the shotgun formation, his outlook isn't as promising as it once was. My guess is he will be picked up somewhere in the mid to late 20's.

This is actually going to be one of the weakest classes for the draft that the NFL has seen in over 30 years.

How many of you out there thought the Saints kicker was going to jank it? After the way the way kickers have been sucking in the playoffs I actually expected him to miss. He probably got Clinton level action that night.

The Tennessee Titans changed their running backs coach. God knows that was their weak point this season. (sarcasm)

COMMERCIAL

Last week I reported on a commercial Tebow and his mommy filmed in cooperation with Focus on the Family. CBS is being urged by a coalition of women's groups to not show the commercial which is expected to be anti-abortion. During a mission trip to the Philippines, momma Tebow was advised to abort her pregnancy when she became ill. She ignored the doctors and went on to have her fifth child, Tim. Five kids? Is she Mormon? I have a few problems with this but I am going to focus on the main one.

The story is a faulty line of logic for anti-abortion. It is not like she was thinking about giving up on the child for shits and giggles. There was a threat to the mother's health and the doctors were advising her on what would be in her best interest. If everyone followed Momma Tebow's story and went against doctors orders, how many mothers' lives would be lost? More mothers and unborn babies would be dead than just the unborn babies.

You know, out of spite the women's groups should make a commercial advising people on the overpopulation going on around the world.

TIGER

Last week I reported he was in Missouri at a sex rehab clinic. I went on to berate him and make fun of the whole situation. I must apologize for what I said, being as how I was wrong to say it. He's in Mississippi. All better.

Apparently his wife has actually been visiting him to see how he is doing. At first I found this odd but I guess if you're going to have a women visit you while you're in sex rehab it might as well be the only one you haven't been sleeping with. I cannot imagine being in the visiting area when the blonde haired Norwegian (she's Norwegian right?) goddess walks in. It would be like taking drug rehab patients on a field trip to a meth lab.

NCAA BASKETBALL

The only thing better than watching Kentucky lose is to see Kansas lose; actually there is one more: when they both lose in the same week. Unfortunately, there is no reason for their respective fans to worry. With their first losses coming about mid-season, it strikes a note on what they need to work on and also reminds them they are not perfect. They have time to perfect their game without a target on their back. Smart money says both make it to the Final Four. On top of that they are incredibly young teams, write ‘em in for next year's Final Four, too.

Coach Weber of the Illini has criticized the Illini for a lack of leadership. After watching their last few games, I would have to agree. The pieces are all there, just the players are not making them fit.

The Virginia Cavaliers are one of the most underrated teams right now. They have a better record than both Duke and UNC in their conference and are a game short of matching last season's ACC win total. They are 10-1 at home and are on an eight-game win streak since starting 4-4.

My early look at March Madness sees Kentucky, Kansas, ‘Nova, and Texas as your final four teams.

SNIPPETS

I saw Up in the Air last weekend and would like to recommend that everyone watch it. Also, after Morgan Freeman, I think George Clooney is the man I'd choose to read me to sleep every night.

The final season of Lost starts next week and you must all watch it. It is the best written and acted television show on right now.

SPORTSBOOK

Godzilla over Japan: RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sat NCAA B-ball

(8) Duke over (7) Georgetown: As much as I and everyone with half a brain hates them, you can't bet against them.

(5) Michigan St. to cover against Northwestern: I am unable to find the actual line but it doesn't really matter.

Sun

(10) Purdue to cover Penn St: There's this awesome Hawaiian themed restaurant on the Purdue campus. If anyone knows the name leave a comment.

Absolutely anything over Pro Bowl: Admit it, the idea of it is nice. But it's so boring to watch. Especially this year, so many names have pulled out that it's not even worth it.