There are a handful of staples in a college student’s diet: beer, ramen noodles, that weird red stuff that has booze and fruit in it that gets served out of a Gatorade cooler, Taco Bell, and shitty pizza. Sometimes, in certain drunken moments, all of those things are combined over the course of an evening and the consumer reaches collegiate nirvana.
In Champaign, college students are afforded a great many places to devour cheap, sauce-covered cheese circles ranging from the luxurious pies from reputable chef and race car driver Papa John to the franchise once represented by this terrifying freak show. It’s remarkable. You almost can’t walk a few blocks without finding a place to eat awful, processed cheese and formerly canned pizza sauce that have been touched by the maybe-maybe not washed hands of dejected college students.
With so many choices, it seems like it would be Smile Politely’s sworn duty to the cities of Champaign-Urbana to tell you where you should go to eat the absolute best of the late-night pizza joints. That last criteria alone will eliminate Big Ten Network staple Papa Del’s (sorry guys, but because your pizza is quality stuff, you’re out of the running here).
And, damn it people, a place that really rocks an italian cheese cracker after midnight is a place that sits right on Green Street — Drew’s Pizzeria.
Now, let me tell you something about Drew’s, it’s located in a spot that used to be called One World Pizza. And man, back in the day, five bucks could get you the finest shitty pizza in the land. One World disappeared or something and now Drew’s is there to regain the pizza dominance of the corner of 5th and Green.
The menu contains the classic pizza toppings like kimchi, sour cream, and whatever the hell is on this beauty:
If that circle of life didn’t entice you, bro, you’ve got shitty taste. This scholar loved the slices at Drew’s so much that he wrote a Craigslist post praising not only the pie, but the environment as well!
That’s right, that guy got to see real life boobs with his pizza. I mean, he liked that presentation so much that he went three times in a 24 hour period. That’s better than sprinkling crack in the WAIT WHAT HOLY COW BOOBS AT A RESTAURANT IN PUBLIC?!
After some investigation, it appears that Drew’s Pizzeria really did aid in this man’s good time. Because they apparently offer free pizzas to women who flash their breasts. There was a minor stir about a tweet that got sent out on September 1st basically pleading for ladies to go Kitty Sanchez in the store for a free pie. So they took the tweet down.
Now look, I happen to have an affection for breasts. They’re pretty awesome things. I understand the excitement at seeing them — if you’re 11 years-old and viewing boobs for the first time in your life.
What I can’t quite wrap my head around, is that a business on a very busy street on a very busy campus finds it necessary to offer free pizzas to see something that is easily accessible via smart phone, computer, TV, or any other way any person consumes media.
If you really want to see real live breasts, try being nice to a person, go out with them, enjoy their company, and if they like you they may even let you enjoy theirs.
The business model must be abysmal to think that your best publicity would come from more or less sexualizing and harassing every woman that walks through the doors of the establishment.
Look, I’m 99.99% certain that Drew’s pizza is terrible. I didn’t need an embarrassingly juvenile stunt like this to make me never want to go there. If you’ve read this far, you probably didn’t either. But there’s a need to at least point out to other people that they shouldn’t support a business that’s A-OK with the objectification and harassment of customers looking to cap their drunken shenanigans off with four or five slices of regret.
If I ever find myself in need of a pie on campus and it’s late, I’ll happily wander the few extra blocks and visit the place that delivered to the Simpsons.
Shame on you, Drew’s. You owe all of the women who enter your store an apology.
Photos of pizza courtesy of Drew's PIzzeria's Twitter account. Yes, that is actual footage of the pies they serve up.
UPDATE: 1:25 p.m.:
As mentioned in the SPlog earlier, and a tip from reader Allison Diaz, here's a screenshot of some of the tweets before their social media (Facebook & Twitter) were both taken down shortly after this article published. — Patrick Singer