I wanted to do some “man on the street” style interviews asking real people how they feel about fall coming to an end and the dark embrace of winter returning to all of our beleaguered lives…but then I remembered that I’m not a real journalist and talking to strangers scares me, so instead I’ve visited a number of local fire hydrants to get their take on the issue.
This fire hydrant near Engineering Hall loves when the leaves change, but is much less pumped about them all being brown now. She also grumbles that even with the leaves gone, she still doesn’t have a view of Boneyard Creek cuz she’s just a tad too short.
This lad by the Illini Union gets to sit in nicely manicured grass all year, but misses the lovely flowers and is also already way behind on his holiday shopping.
These two hydrants might be different colors, and live life on different sides of Mathews Avenue, but they’re still best friends! They’re actually looking forward to winter fun and don’t really belong in this listicle.
(Side note: I’m still not sure why most of the campus hydrants are red while the rest of Chambana’s appear to be orange. Maybe because campus has so much orange already and they’d just blend in too much? Or maybe these hydrants are secretly Ohio State fans.)
Usually this hydrant is shielded by a wall of thistles, which is good because he’s very shy. Unfortunately, the thistles are all dead now and this hydrant is feeling very conspicuous and self-conscious about it.
Right in between the Main Library and the Undergrad Library sits this stout hydrant. She’s always ready just in case any valuable books or clumsy undergraduates catch on fire. She laments about how few “lovely, crisp fall days” we had this year.
This fresh face is a brand new hydrant on the north side of the Main Library where a new sidewalk/bus stop has just been completed. She doesn’t even know what fall is yet so I don’t imagine she’s at all prepared for the endless onslaught of winter.
This venerable hydrant at 6th and John would really like a fresh coat of paint before more snow shows up, but isn’t holding out much hope to be honest.
Over in Urbana, this hydrant is rather peeved that the owners of this yard have raked a huge pile of leaves right next to him and just left it there for weeks. He’s not looking forward to winter since he’s pretty sure these same people will leave him covered in snow until April.
When this hydrant gets bored, they sometimes release just a bit of water and watch it trickle down the drain at their feet. Alas, not something they can do when it’s freezing out!
This hydrant thought life on Broadway would be so much more glamorous.
“I can’t even tell that fall has ended!” says this exasperated hydrant who is engulfed at all times by evergreen ferns.
This tall lass has the very important job of being the hydrant closest to the Morrow Plots. She takes her job VERY SERIOUSLY for if the plots were to ever catch fire the University would literally never recover and would probably have to close down for good. Winter is pretty boring for this hydrant though. Now that the corn is harvested, it’s pretty much impossible for the Morrow Plots to burn down.
The fire hydrant here by Leal Elementary School is actually totally ready for winter now that he has this hat. He claims that a friendly Leal student gave it to him, but a number of other hydrants, who do not wish to be named, think the hat was stolen!
However, nobody thinks this hydrant stole this ratty t-shirt and put it on her head. It is gross and she wants it gone!
Winter is peak book-readin’ season, and this hydrant in front of the Urbana Free Library wants nothing more than to curl up inside with some good mystery novels until mid spring. Unfortunately, she is a fire hydrant, and not only can she not go inside, even if she did she couldn’t get a library card.
That’s all the fire hydrants I chatted with. Hopefully you’re more excited about winter than they are. See all you dear readers in 2020!
Photos by Tom Ackerman